Today is my mother’s birthday. Happy birthday, mom.
While I may not have posted much on this blog recently, I have been writing and recording various “private” thoughts in emails. Always with some seeming response from others, or a bunch of *coincidental* incidents, particularly in the form of emails, alerts and tech malfunctionings that correspond closely with whatever I may be writing or doing, or just trying to accomplish in my daily life. It is the ultimate control that technology offers – both constant surveillance and potential forms of manipulation or even downright oppression of one’s mind and soul, without involving any “touch”. Except the possible and targeted tainting of things I am consuming (long story) under our current CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC GLOBAL REALITY.
Anyway, towards the end of a 2-hour phone conversation with my friend Aaron, just now, he in his usual tangential fashion (even more so than mine, it’s like flipping through TV or radio stations with him) somehow got us on the topic of Adolph Hitler’s mistress and wife, Eva Braun.
I couldn’t recall her name, so did a quick search, and found a plethora of recent psychoanalysis about Hitler’s sexuality, and his mental health. I simply looked up “Adolph Hitler mistresses”. Yet, the first page that appears is a Wikipedia summary about Hitler himself and his sexuality.
Below is one rather all-knowing reading into Adolph Hitler’s psyche and overall life. (I have been asserting similar detailed psychoanalysis of myself, based on 22 years of illegal and at-times tormenting and pernicious surveillance, which has recently resurfaced, just before I launched this blog in November 2019. Anyway, we shall see how long my health lasts…So much for Freedom of Thought and Expression.)
I don’t know if my pointing out this tiny detail will create more ‘convenient’ covert changes – digital info being what it is – but per the link address above, my apartment number happened to be “46”, which is when 9 years of my illegal surveillance became a ‘24/7’ reality. Plus , it was a constant stressor and series of obstructions, misfortune, and with seemingly bad things happening to various people I came into contact with, or tried to connect with, often with tales of illegal surveillance and harassing (racist, misogynistic, homophobic) oppression on my mind and lips. Things did not bode well for quite a few people, which I could never prove outright.
Fellow Canadian Roderick Russell writes about similar, illegal “no-touch torture” at the hands of CSIS (though my experiences and what parties are involved are more varied) – see link.
I will say that there are a few loose parallels perhaps between Hitler and myself in terms of temperament (though I only became angry and aggressive, after I went backpacking and travelled on my own in various places – and not all the time, but in a couple of instances where I felt that I, my body or my friendship etc had been seriously violated and BETRAYED.
It could be a guy grabbing my breast or crotch, or a lover helping his friends to rip me off, or…well, I could name other incidents where my sense of equity, justice and fair play were challenged or affronted. And then, returning to Canada, I felt “dislocated” and Othered in my country of birth, while also being unexpectedly thrown into a place of increasing and then constant powerlessness and oppression (see post about my “passport”).
So yes, sorry, but that doesn’t bring out the best in people – especially sensitive, free-thinkers like myself. I might very well behave in the moody, ‘Oedipal Complex’ ways in which Adolph Hitler is being described. Although for the record, I was somewhat athletically inclined for a female in my time period; not excellent, but some ability, and a few trophies and ribbons.
I was also not at all musically gifted – one of my regrets – yet with hard work, I co-formed a high school band, as well as received a Grade 11 music award. Happy moments! So all that corresponds with my firm belief in fostering and encouraging freedom of opportunity, and nurturing the fullest potential in ALL PEOPLE. As per Kiran Bedi’s book title and personal philosophy: “It’s Always Possible.”
Also, about childhood, my closest friends and I played active games and sports constantly — from road hockey to tag and hide-and-go-seek — all throughout the year. I didn’t feel seriously “inferior”; however, I did come to know and experience the pain of discrimination, as a child. Honestly, I don’t ever wish to support prejudice or discrimination, so if I seem antagonistic towards certain people, groups, or entities, I sincerely apologize. I feel at times profoundly frustrated by the workings of power, privilege, and systemic discrimination and oppression. I went from being a fairly well-liked, reasonably confident and well-wishing young person to a sometimes contemptible and unwelcome interloper in my own country of birth – to the point where I have had almost “zero rights”, and people were being deliberately harmed for nefarious purposes. (Not unlike a silent pogrom.) Forgive me for losing my mind a bit. I truly wish I was more cool, calm and collected, and able to rise above it all with aplomb.
I believe most children and young people have likewise felt great disappointment, deep hurt, and even anger, when others not only got better things or preferential treatment – but especially if these were ill-gotten rewards, or dirty tricks and tactics were used. Most people find that harder to applaud and celebrate. But what the heck do I know.
Anyway, I once had friends – maybe not a huge number, but fairly good ones; though yes, like some semi-introverts, I can feel awkward and inferior in different social situations. Quite a few people lose their mojo when they are no longer with familiar people or in certain social contexts. I also think the transition after high school is a big one for many youths.
Like Hitler, or Martin Luther King Jr., or Gandhi, I had a certain vision for my country, Canada, and even of it becoming a doable model to the rest of the world. A place of freedom, peace, progress, prosperity, opportunity and sustainability. Yet, Gandhi and King were spiritually grounded, whereas I apparently have the temperament and sexual proclivities of Hitler (see my upcoming post about “Sexuality and Sexual Healing”).
I certainly wish I had been born that neat and perfect individual that everyone loves, and also looked the part, but that was not my path.
Now in 2020, with a Technology Totalitarian Society, and scientific advancements, and many other key political developments, the future of the world is on a whole new trajectory – completely lacking in fundamental truth, transparency, democratic values or good governance. There are NO constant or meaningful values, or proper practices and law-keeping by our most important institutions and information resources that I can see. Likely these may have never existed throughout human history — and thus, so many of us have been living in a bubble of hope, idealism and aspiration for so long. I guess John F. Kennedy’s and MLK’s assassinations probably marked the beginning of the Death of Innocence in modern-day North America (Canada being so closely tied to the USA and American politics – though powerful companies are careful to make token efforts to ensure that Canadian sense of cultural distinctiveness, political autonomy and independence are maintained).
Anyway, it’s all one massive hidden agenda now: one of survival for the fittest, and of the selectively chosen. Wish it made spiritual (or even environmentally-sustainable) sense to me; yet, it would seem even the New Testament etc are going the way of the dodo…
Putting ourselves out of existence?
2001: A Space Odyssey